Sunday, May 15, 2011

Cash's birth story Pt. 2

I have been putting off writing part two to Cash's birth story. It is something I try to forget ever happened. I will never forget those 17 days, but I definitely push those feelings to the verrrrry back of my mind. For the record, some of my thoughts you will read are not nice. They sound mean and selfish but it is how I felt at the time. Once again, this isn't a pretty blog, but a real one.

Friday Afternoon- The nurse took Cash to the nursery so I could try to get some sleep. I laid there trying to shut my eyes. I couldn't. I was so excited to be a mommy I wanted my baby right beside me! I pushed the call button many times and it didn't work. Come to find out my bed wasn't plugged in. haha
Finally I found something to throw at poor, exhausted, Nate sleeping on the pull out couch. I told him I wanted Cash in with me and asked him to go get him. I waited impatiently as he got up and out the door. It seemed like forever later he walked in with no baby.

I asked why he didn't get Cash and Nate said he was told Cash's oxygen levels or blood pressure levels or something were too low. I feel horrible, but honestly I don't remember what it was. This was such a stressful, trying, time that I really don't remember details.

Anyway, the nurses told him it was normal and he would be back in our room within a couple hours.
We waited and waited. My Granny and Grandpa came to bring me some flowers and see the baby but still nothing. They left and more visitors came. My Aunt Val and cousin Kira.
Not too long after they arrived one of the nurses came in. They told us our baby was sick. He was going to have to stay in the nursery. Again I can't remember details of what was said. I remember asking the nurse if this meant he wouldn't get to come home with us on Sunday. She looked at me with sympathy because I was oblivious to how sick he really was.

Throughout the night our families came back. We even had people from my old ward come down and give Cash a blessing. I was able to stand that night so they wheeled me into the nursery.
Nate and I sat at our tiny baby's bedside pained by what we saw. He had so many cords connected to him, and at this point the c-pap, so his bitty face was covered. He didn't have a PICC line (A catheter in his vein allowing blood to be drawn easier and to administer meds. and other things) so his poor little feet were bruised and swollen from having blood taken so many times. He couldn't breath on his own and couldn't even cry.

Seeing these pictures bring back all the pain we felt that night. I seriously thought these would be the only "family" pictures we would ever have.

Trying to smile

Nate and I tried to get some sleep around midnight. The pediatrician and nurse came in once at 3:00 am Saturday morning and tried to explain to us what was going on. They said if things didn't start to go better he would be life flighted. Within a couple of hours they came back in. He was going to be life flighted and the plane would arrive at 7:00 am. We cried together. I called my mom to let her know what was going on. Nate called his parents and ran home to pack a bag to take on the plane.

I was distraught at the thought of being so far from my baby. I was envious of Nate for being able to go with Cash and watch over him. I was Cash's mother I should be the one to make sure he is alright. Instead I was stuck in a stupid bed, not able to do anything for my poor, defenseless, baby.
Nate and I waited in the nursery for the life flight team to arrive.
I looked around and saw two healthy babies. I could not control my self. I sobbed asking God why those babies got to be healthy, what did I do so wrong to have this put upon my innocent child. I was so jealous of the parents that got to hold those beautiful babies. To hear them cry. To smell the sweet newborn smell.
Life flight arrived and explained some more what was going on to Nate and I. Our families anxiously watched through the window waiting for any word. They did another X-ray and put him in the huge portable incubator.

Trying to fight his way out.

He was wheeled into the hallway and all family told Cash goodbye. I watched the life flight team and the two most important people go down the hallway and those big doors. Nate was so brave. He looked like Cash's body guard. haha

A picture my mom snapped as he was wheeled away

I stayed in the hospital until Sunday afternoon when I was released early. They gave me all the things they give parents taking their baby home. A package of diapers, blankets, his hat, everything but the baby.
I remember being afraid these items wouldn't be mementos, instead they would be the only things I would remember my baby by.

(To be continued...)

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